Riding A ButterTub

Don’t Give Off A Strong Womanly Odor! Use Zonite!

Women should beware of such things, especially in the 50′s…

Jahmba – The New Number Between 7 and 8

Jahmba
Thought up: 5.2.01 – 4:04am
Written: 10.16.03 – 3:49 pm
#23
Long ago (2 ½ years), in a land far far away (Walla Walla, WA), 4 geniuses (well, 3 and ½ at least) sat in deep thought in a bubbling tub of water, searching for a solution to time travel. Multiverses, universes, and parallel dimensions were discussed at length; as well as wormholes, space/time continuum, and flux capacitors. Everyone agreed that, indeed, multiverses existed, and that every action made in life gave way to an infinite amount of possibilities therein. But what started as a simple in-depth discussion on time travel, turned into the single most important discovery in human/alien history! Jahmba. Yes, Jahmba.

Jahmba: The number that will reside in between the current numbers of 7 and 8. It will look and smell just like all its other numerical counterparts, but it will be different in the fact that it looks like a work of art instead of just a stupid number. All Jahmba and Jahmba related paraphernalia would ALWAYS be in the color of blue; everything except for the yellow and red eyes of the goat-like character that will be in the middle of the numbers design. This goat will be eating approximately 4 other numbers and 3 letters. These numbers are yet to be decided because I’m not sure which of those remaining alphanumeric characters I hate the most. For sure 56, and 278 will be two (2) of the numbers in the goat’s mouth; and likely the letters “C” and “H”, which are, coincidentally, the worst letters in any language, EVER! It’s also very possible that “threeve” will be one of the alphanumeric digits.

The presence of threeve is mostly to confuse inventors of a better number than jahmba, who will falter due to lack of knowledge of “threeve”. The image of the goat will also have debris scattered about the ground with numbers and letters representing leftover goat food, once again showing supremacy over these “weaker” and more “inferior” traditional character values. All of this will be tactfully and tastefully done, by blatantly displaying these emblems of dominance to the alphanumeric world directly AS the number Jahmba. At no time should anyone build any building higher than Jahmbaty-four-thousand and ninety-jahmba feet, out of pure respect for the number. Similarly, at no time should anyone set the snooze button on an alarm clock to ANYTHING with Jahmba in it (once clocks with Jahmba are invented, of course).

We’re not talking about some fireside chat amongst political advisors or 3rd world countries here! This is real life, genuinely homemade, 120% raw American brainpower at work! Jahmba was invented to not only make money, but to make the number system a LOT harder, and more difficult to teach. Every person in the world would again have to learn to count! Schools would be revamped, rulers remade, computer programs rewritten. Every piece of literature that had ever been printed would have to be burned; or at least scribbled out and re-written with Jahmba in mind. People that wore larger than a size 7 shoe would have to go and buy new shoes, because they would no longer wear a size 10. That SAME size 10 from before would really be a size 11 now! A size 11 shoe on a size 10 person would result in bunions and sores on feet, profiting the foot doctors of the world, who would clearly pay a royalty fee to Jahmba, Inc. for the detriment to the world’s shoe wearing peoples. Also paying royalties would be:

1. Buildings larger than seven (7) feet.
2. Aluminum can companies who’d immediately be in violation of faultily advertising several twelve (12) ounce drinking products.
3. Ninjas for the simple reason that they’d probably find some sly, slick, or stealthy way to get out of paying.
4. Any person who has, or will ever be older than seven (7) from this point forward, at some point, in the next 15 years.
5. Dewey Decimal. IF that is his REAL name!
6. The next Wonder of the Modern World.
7. Whoever reads the next line of this list.
8. You.
9. This list, as it does not have the number jahmba listed in it – resulting in a fee of jahmba-thousand dollars.

It’s kind of like when Da Vinci invented a flying machine. Nobody really believed him, or thought that his invention would work (granted, it probably didn’t work very well, because everyone knows that he didn’t invent jet fuel, so it was very difficult to get it off the ground), but he had confidence in himself, and in America! Or wherever he was from – likely bets include:

1. Chile
2. Denmark
3. Mother Russia
4. Detroit (Yes, Amityville will be acceptable)
5. Three Forks, Montana
6. 100-Acre Woods

Da Vinci’s idea was cast by the wayside, ne’er to be heard from for another few centuries! What was the reason for this? It was obviously a malfeasance by his advertising campaign coordinator. How much better would the flying machine have sold with this ad:

Education in metallurgy and craftsmanship for 3 years: $0.19
Un-synthetic silk, reeds, and shafts for wings: $.1.30
Snail milk, eye-of-toad, 4 ladybugs: $0.38
Watching one of your million inventions crash into the ground and not catching fire because we haven’t invented gasoline yet? Priceless.

It would have sold like hotcakes, I’m sure. But I can’t blame it all on his advertising team. He could have taken the initiative himself and posted his idea up with billboard ads and 30 second clips in between halves of Super Bowl –MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMCXVIX. Yea, he was certainly at a disadvantage. Today his idea might have been easier to sell with technology as it is. Nowadays, new information can be passed from culture to culture, in most part, via the Internet and homing pigeons.

Now, I may be going out on a limb, but I’m sure I won’t be the only one once Jahmba starts to receive national recognition, in saying that I am of firm belief that, with timely implementation, and well thought out budget plans, Jahmba could run for President in the 2008 election. Jahmba would have the voice of every American citizen. Each and every person could say with pride and dignity that Jahmba is working for the people, by the people, and through the people! How would a simple “number” be able to do this? Well, it’s obvious really. Jahmba would proudly exhibit, on the bottom-left portion of the number, near the patented copyright disclaimer, every single country’s flag in the world! Who could argue with that? Representation equals inauguration!
Jahmba was discovered to bring peace to the modern world through mathematics. Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself. You’re saying,

“Jahmba guy, weapons of mass destruction, in some way, use mathematics don’t they?”

And my reply to that would be,

“Well sure they do, but they use it in an “evil” way! A way so evil that Jahmba Inc., has signed documents disallowing anything that is dubbed, by myself, to be “bad” OR “evil”, as the case may be, to be in any way incorporated with Jahmba Inc. or it’s affiliates. Likewise, and oppositely, things that make people happy like flower vases, music, gum, not being at work, and nacho cheese containers are 100% endorsed by Jahmba Inc.”

You see, people from all walks of life can incorporate Jahmba into their every day activities! I’m sure it will be a smooth process into the next stage of human evolution. Granted, things will be a bit different, but certainly for the better. Everyone will be able to walk a little taller, live a little longer, and know that it all wouldn’t be possible without the fine efforts of 3 ½ lethargic hot tub philosophers…

Pennies From Somewhere

Pennies From Somewhere
Thought up:  4.6.02 – 1:04pm
Written: 4.9.02 – 11:23am
#2

I awoke from a terrible nights sleep at 7:13 a.m. on Friday, April 05, 2002.  I hopped straight into the shower — wait, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself…

Last night I fell asleep after talking to a friend on the phone, and I took off my pants after maybe 5 minutes in my bed, because they were big and bulky and probably full of dirt that I didn’t want in my bed anyway.  So I was just lying there in my work shirt and socks, no underwear talking to my friend.  I got off the phone at about 11:06 p.m. and proceeded to brush my teeth and test my septic tank out to see if it was still working, if you know what I mean, and back to bed by maybe, 11:34 p.m.

Well, I tossed this way and tossed that way, remembering back to the days when I lived on Saipan.  I just got an email that night from one of my friends that is still there.  She is a Chinese girl that speaks fluent English, Chinese, and decent Japanese.  Anyway, we always used to say, “ii oshiri” meaning, “nice butt” and we’d always bend down in front of each other, on purpose, and for 4 months straight, every time we’d see each other, “ii oshiri!” would be soon to follow.

aybe I was a bit perturbed that I wasn’t still on that tropical island, instead of being stuck here in the cold Montana weather, but that’s beside my point.  The point here is that I tossed and turned all night long until my alarm interrupted my attempt to sleep at 7:04 a.m.  (Why do I set my alarm to 7:04 a.m. and not just like 7?  I dunno, maybe it’s because I was too lazy to switch ALL the way back, you know how those clock radios are, once you pass the number you want to set it to, you HAVE to go ALL the way back through EVERY number to get to yours.  I just say screw it…)

Anyway, at 7:04 I hit the snooze button.  Why?  It’s not like I’m sleeping or anything, maybe it’s just because that’s the most annoying sound one can possibly hear, and that’s why the clock people made it that sound, must have taken a poll or something.  Anyway, for nine more minutes I lay there just trying to figure out why I didn’t sleep very well, to no avail.  Lots of random thoughts roll through my head, most of my best ideas come in the morning, but back to the start:
I awoke from a terrible nights sleep at 7:13 a.m. on Friday, April 05, 2002.  I hopped straight into the shower and proceeded to bathe myself with a soapy lather, and shampoo, repeating if desired, and maybe 2 minutes into the shower whilst I wash my genitalia, a penny falls from somewhere.  Not in the direction that it would fall if I was washing my frontside, but my backside it falls from, out of nowhere!  It’s not like I knocked it free or something from my frontside, where I was washing, because that’s not from where it fell.

I turned around to examine the “lost treasure” to realize that it was a 2002 penny, so it couldn’t have been there for too long, and it smelled fine – (Of course, I was in the shower, and stuff is hard to smell in there, mostly it smells like soap and lathering utilities.)  Anyway, I took that penny out with me from the shower and placed it on my shelf to be admired.  I came to work and told my friends Shelly and Judy, and Judy said,
“I’ve heard of pennies from Heaven, but this is ridiculous!”
And we all had a good laugh.  I remember seeing on T.V. one time where some lady cried diamonds out of her eyes, and that would be worth a pretty penny, I thought to myself, but for my pretty pennies to be worth anything like diamonds, I figured I’d have to have these “Pennies from Heaven” fall at a bit more frequent pace…

A Hotdog Stand in an Avalanche

A Hotdog Stand in an Avalanche
Thought up:  5.3.02 – 1:40pm
Written: 5.12.02 – 5:20pm
#9

I’ve had a lot thinking time in my travels around the state of Montana this year, and I’ve come up with a few astute observations of the animalia in the Kingdom of Peculiarity.  I know exactly where to hunt, and, coincidentally, where the best food is for all the state’s animals.  15,000 miles worth of travel in 4 months around this area has confirmed my observational analysis that the best food is on the highway, or at least right near it.  As the highway is the most dangerous place to eat, only the most courageous deer will dine there.

A driver can easily examine this strange behavior of these “dare devils” by simply driving from Anywhere to Someplace in Montana.  Who are these “dare devils”, and why are they so “daring and devilish”?  It is fairly evident that animals, deer for example, grow from the ground at around 6:00 a.m., and wreak havoc on drivers for the better part of the next 20 hours.  Some animals even seem to sleep by the roadside, evidently to eat the grass first thing in the morning.

Granted, they sleep in strange positions, with their necks cranked all the way around, and legs broken, and bleeding profusely from all over.  And they attempt to disguise themselves, I think, by paying ravens and other scavengers to “pretend” to chomp away at them to distract would-be hunters.  If you ask me, they’re just asking for it sleeping there!  Any car could accidentally swerve and hit one of them!  Then who would pay those ravens for all their hard work?  The whole scam is a bit asinine if you ask me!  It must be like having a hotdog stand in an avalanche.  It’s not a great idea as far as safety, but, on the other hand, who doesn’t like a nice hotdog…

It seems that deer like to eat the grass by the roads most of all, they stick close by it at all times.  They wouldn’t want to actually go back in the woods where it’s peaceful and quiet and no 1-ton iron horses are hurling forward on spheres of rubber towards them.  That makes no sense to them I guess.  In order of brainlessness deer are only defeated by the brainless…  …deer.  Yes, they’ve taken up the top 2 places on my list because they seem to really enjoy living life’s adventures.

Perhaps the deer by the road are the real rebels of the deer community.  Maybe, just maybe, the deer that hang out there are like the “extreme sports deer” that live life on the edge, not knowing what the next day will bring.  They are looking death, or an 18-wheeler’s grill, in the face each day.  Or maybe deer are kind of like fish.  Fish work as splendid bait for catching other fish.  Perchance deer enjoy some nice cannibalism every once in a while, as a delicacy or something.   I can just imagine it…

Bartholomew the deer:  “Hey Hector, where should we dine this evening?”

Hector the deer:  “ Oh I know this great little spot down by the big black patch of asphalt in the forest with a dotted yellow line in the middle of it that has some really “exhausty” tasting grass with a lot of gravel mixed in with it.  It has a distinct taste of deer guts and blood.”

Bartholomew:  My, that sounds like a splendid little treat if I do say so myself!  Let’s get going!”

It’s really shocking to believe that these animals aren’t all extinct yet.  There must be about eleventy-billion of them killed each day.  Apparently they haven’t used the 100+ years of deer evolution, since the automobile was invented, to know that they shouldn’t eat near these areas.

But let’s not forget the always-brainy gophers that come in third on the list of brainlessness.  I use the term “always-brainy” because I don’t think gophers have a short-term memory.  They always seem to forget what they have just done and then their brain has to work once again to re-reason, hence, “always-brainy.”  These rascally rodents will bolt across the road not even knowing what’s on the other side for the most part.  I think that they believe once they get to the other side, there’ll be a 5-gallon drum of popcorn seeds waiting for them.  But once they get to that mystical “other side” they realize there isn’t anything over here.  But then, again believe that there must be a 5-gallon drum of popcorn seeds waiting for them on the other side of the road.  (Repeat these last 3 sentences as many times as necessary to realize what it is like to live as a gopher.)

Next on the list of brainiacs of the animal world are cats.  People may say that they are far smarter than dogs because dogs just jump around with their tongues hanging out and chase anything their masters throw, roll over for treats, and roll in their buddy’s turds, but you don’t see many dogs lying with their guts sun-tanning in the road.  Cats just don’t get it, and therefore, receive the #4 stupid rating.

Rounding out the top five on the list are skunks.  Who really knows what skunks eat.  I sure as hell don’t.  Possibly they just eat other skunks, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a skunk eat anything.  And if they eat each other, that would explain their lovely scents.  Think about it – have you ever seen a skunk eat anything?  We usually just see them on TV spraying something with their smelly goodness.  Boy, maybe they just get a bad rap.  In my mind, I suppose I could picture a skunk gnawing on a dead deer, which would explain why they take the #5 spot, but I guess I can also see them eating grass, or a rock, or a hammer even.  Who knows!  Is there a skunkologist around that could help me out?

All of these animals are very high on the list of animals with no brains.  If animals are judged for smartness by their dead presence on Montana highways, then baboons, rhinos, and sharks are the winners.  I almost never see them on the roadside…

Take Pride In Your Work

Take Pride In Your Work?
Thought up:  4.17.02 – 1:43pm
Written: 4.19.02 – 1:27am
#3

In the summer of ’99, I worked 8 hours a day installing sprinklers in Montana.  I worked through rain, sleet, snow (Snow?  In summer?  Yup, after all, it is Montana) and even blistering heat to give people the pleasure of not having to put out one of those nasty green hoses attached to a rusty old yellow sprinkler head that spits out four drops of water in random directions (one of which is always the sidewalk no matter where you set the sprinkler).  Anyway, I did them a favor by digging/picking through granite on mountainsides, and clay in the valleys to give them green beauty.

I took pride in what I did – I made sure each and every sprinkler head (usually the 1804-F series, 4″ pop-up sprinklers by Rain-bird, for those of you keeping track at home) made a complete 360 degree turn in most yards, and just cutting off a few degrees for those tricky devils in the corners.  It made me feel really good when I’d get done with a job and look it over to see that the entire property would be getting healthy and watered because of me.

ne time I started the watering and didn’t notice that the old lady, whom I was building the system for, was coming out to bring me a frosty lemonade for my hard work and dedication to her yard.  Well, before I knew it, water was blanketing her backyard with a beautiful mist, and she was the tallest piece of grass…  She dropped the lemonade and ran into the house afraid that she set off the sprinklers.  I went in and apologized and had myself a fresh glass of lemonade, but that’s beside the point, this story is about taking pride in one’s work.

What I’m getting at is whenever I finish a job, I’d look back and say, “Boy, that sure is a nice looking yard.  I’m glad I did such a nice job for them, I bet they’re happy.”  But not out loud, of course, especially if I’m the only one around, because that would make me look like I’ve gone mad.  In my current job, I drive all over the state by myself and I have a lot of time to think about stuff.  I look at other things and wonder if people are really happy with what they’ve accomplished – the buildings, the fence posts, the road I’m driving on, the car ahead of me.  I think about the craftsmanship that went into each detail of this car – the windshield, the blinkers, the engine itself.  Then I look at the license plate, and I think to myself, “Man, I wonder if that prison guy really cares that he made this car licensed to drive on the road.  Without him, this car would have to be impounded, and the driver would have to go to jail probably.  Or maybe the driver would just get a different license plate.”

got to thinking again about my sprinkler job, and how I took pride in it, but there is a good chance that the jailbird would never get to see his work, let alone spray an old lady with water and get free lemonade.  He should be lucky to get an extra carton of smokes I decided…

So Apparently This Is About Needing Glasses

I’d think there were other things that were wrong with the setup too:

I’ve Seen Some Useless Talents before…

But this one may take the cake… it’s an entertaining talent for sure…

Frolicking 4 Leggers

Frolicking 4 Leggers
Thought up:  5.4.02 – 8:41am
Written: 5.11.02 – 12:13am
#8

Animals sure do love to frolic.  It seems that every animal I’ve ever noticed likes to bound about without a care in the world.  I guess most of them don’t really have any cares in the world though.  Maybe they have to decide to eat this grass or that grass, and sleep on this patch of grass or that one, but that’s about it.  I’ve noticed, however, there are a few that obviously don’t enjoy frolicking around.

1.)    Cows.
2.)    Pigs.
3.)    Alligators.

Have you ever seen a cow frolic?  Even a little bit?  True, you’ve seen the calves romp around here and there – but full-grown cattle?  I think not.  Never has a pig jumped in the air for joy (except in Charlotte’s Web, but that doesn’t count).  And alligators, well, nobody has ever claimed an alligator to be a frolicker.  But alligators couldn’t frolic anyway, they have Tyrannosaurus Rex arms and legs, so they’re disabled animals (frolickly challeged is the politically correct term) I’d say.  So they don’t count.  But I got to thinking why cows and pigs don’t frolic, except when they are younger, and just for a short time.  Granted they do get bigger and fatter, but I’m sure there are plenty of fat people that still like to frolic.  If I were a larger man, I would frolic to the park, and other such places where frolickers are welcome.  But really now, let’s examine this.  Why don’t cows and pigs frolic?

Well, in all my research* on this I’ve come up with a few ideas that I’ve narrowed down.  Cows and pigs must both have their own language first of all.  And, as with any mammal, they have to grow up a little to understand this language.  Human babies can’t talk until like 1 or 2 years.  I imagine it is the same in the cow and pig world.  It’d only seem logical…  Anyway, when cows and pigs are born, they jump around here and there, and play with the other animal babies that are around the farm, and they have a good time.  But they can’t talk to each other, so they really don’t know what’s going on.

Until one day the calves learn their language, and the piglets theirs.  Before you know it, they’re too old for each other, and they just go about their lives, right?  I beg to differ!  I think that when cattle learn to talk to the other cattle, the older cows start saying to the younger ones, “Quit your damn frolicking!  That’s a way to an early death sonny!  No cattle farmer wants a skinny cow that frolics all over the place!  It’s a waste of his money to keep a skinny cow around, so he’s going to kill you if you keep that crap up!  Besides, we’re stuck inside this fence for the most part anyway*, and there is all of this delicious grass everywhere, why waste your time romping and bounding about?  We only have 2-4 years at best that we’re going to be on this farm before Farmer Joe hits us in the head with that damn sledgehammer.  (I don’t know if they call it a sledgehammer, the cattle term for it might be different like “Moo Mooooooo Moo” loosely translated as “Ouchy Head Smasher”.

Furthermore, I guess that none of these words are the ones that the cattle use either, so maybe using the word sledgehammer is ok, because I don’t speak cow, and I’m sure none of you do either…)  So we might as well make the best of it, and eat all his hay and grass and show him who’s the boss, by eating everything he gives us!”
By this time the baby calves realize, “Hey, those older cows must know something, and maybe they do have a point.  Maybe I should quit this frolicking.”
At about 5 or 6 months, you don’t see anymore frolicking, just getting fat, and playing right into Farmer Joe’s hand – that crafty Joe.  The pigs deal with the situation the same way, but I’m sure it’s in pig language, because who has ever heard of a pig speaking cow language?  That’s just preposterous…

* – research not really conducted, but one time I did see a cow.
*- See story Cattle Guard.

New Age Ice Treats

New Age Ice Treats
Thought up:  4.22.02 – 7:23pm
Written: 4.24.02 – 3:17pm
#4
These days, everyone is really into “New Age” diets.  All these health nuts are not eating anything that is remotely tasty, but instead they are eating fancy expensive health foods.  So why not prey on these poor souls that don’t enjoy a hearty ½-pound of cow with 4 strips of dead pig.  Now that’s what I was raised on, and to this day, I still rate at the top of my list.  Now I don’t care if they like to eat what they like to eat.  I have no problem with that, but I just figure, why not take it a step further?

Why not give them something to really rant and rave about?  Modern diets are heavily laden with fruits and vegetables, and I personally don’t care for veggies, and I am sure many people agree.  So why don’t we find a way to cash in on it?  I think it would be a splendid idea to take all the veggies that you don’t eat, and put them in a big box.  Every time you can’t eat a vegetable, save them for however long you want, until the box is full I guess, and I’ll start up a website like Ihateveggiesandwanttodonatethemtoagoodcauseandsoshouldyousoputtheminaboxandsendthemtoandy.com and you can all send me your veggies because I just got this new food blender.  I’d take them suckers and whip them up into a creamy batch of yuck.  I’d then get some old corndog sticks, (don’t tell the vegetarians, the corndog sticks might still have hotdog on them) and put some sugar in the puree so that they stick to the sticks, and freeze the delightful treats.  It doesn’t even matter if you refrigerate your box of bad tasting stuff.  Mold is a spore, not a veggie, but I don’t suppose hippies would notice.

could make a killing on these treats!  People love that crap nowadays.  Well, some people I guess.  I can just see the commercial for it…

Unshaven hippy-type man:  Ah yes, after a nice day of work at the nudist colony, I always like to take a leisurely jog in the park with my dog.  Then I come home to a nice, cold, tasty, BlendoGrode*.  BlendoGrode is a delicious mix of random vegetables and possible mold on a used corndog stick.  Yum…

*BlendoGrode has not been approved by the FDA.  We gave it to some lab rats and their wieners fell off, so you’re on your own.  If symptoms persist for longer than 3 years, consult a doctor but don’t mention BlendoGrode.  Thank you.

Reminiscing Scents

Reminiscing Scents
Thought up:  5.4.02 – 10:15am
Written: 5.10.02 – 3:15am
#7

When I was 17, I had my first girlfriend.  We spent most days together, just even sitting around and watching T.V. sometimes.  Not really having an idea of where we were going, or what we were going to do.  I met her in the summer of ’96 and I knew that she was going to leave in August because her mother was marrying a nice guy from Caldwell, Idaho.   The thing I remembered the most about her was the smell of her hair, I can’t describe it, but I would remember if I smelled it again.  Anyway, every time I’d pass someone that used that scent, I’d say, “Hey, I remember that smell.”

Well, when I graduated high school, I made a few visits to her house during the year because it wasn’t that far from Walla Walla, WA, to Caldwell, ID.  It was only 200 miles, and I had myself an ‘86 Dodge Aries.  It wasn’t a gem to look at, but it got me from point A to point B each time I asked it to.  It was reliable, until my sister drove it into a tree a few years later (totally beside the point, but I still think I got stuck when she got a new car out of it, and I was left with nothing).  But while it was in its prime, I made that trip a good handful of times.

About 15 miles out of Caldwell, Idaho, it really starts to smell like horse and cow feces.  I’d usually get there around 6 pm, right when it was starting to get ripe.  At first I didn’t mind it.  It would permeate around her house, and in her house, through the air conditioner and in the outhouse (ok, there was no outhouse, but I bet if she did have one it would smell).  I got used to it.

So every trip I’d know that I was close when I could smell that sweet aroma.  I got to thinking one day, I don’t really remember her for the shampoo.  I remember her for the smell of cow poop.  Maybe that poop was trying to tell me something – warning me of what was to come.  If only I’d have listened to that poop.  But I didn’t.  Maybe it’s that “love is blind”, but I think mostly I didn’t listen to it because hey, everyone knows that poop usually can’t talk…