Archive for December, 2009:
It’s Ok To Hate People
As this hilarious bit by Louis C.K. clearly illustrates.
A Hotdog Stand in an Avalanche
A Hotdog Stand in an Avalanche
Thought up: 5.3.02 – 1:40pm
Written: 5.12.02 – 5:20pm
#9
I’ve had a lot thinking time in my travels around the state of Montana this year, and I’ve come up with a few astute observations of the animalia in the Kingdom of Peculiarity. I know exactly where to hunt, and, coincidentally, where the best food is for all the state’s animals. 15,000 miles worth of travel in 4 months around this area has confirmed my observational analysis that the best food is on the highway, or at least right near it. As the highway is the most dangerous place to eat, only the most courageous deer will dine there.
A driver can easily examine this strange behavior of these “dare devils” by simply driving from Anywhere to Someplace in Montana. Who are these “dare devils”, and why are they so “daring and devilish”? It is fairly evident that animals, deer for example, grow from the ground at around 6:00 a.m., and wreak havoc on drivers for the better part of the next 20 hours. Some animals even seem to sleep by the roadside, evidently to eat the grass first thing in the morning.
Granted, they sleep in strange positions, with their necks cranked all the way around, and legs broken, and bleeding profusely from all over. And they attempt to disguise themselves, I think, by paying ravens and other scavengers to “pretend” to chomp away at them to distract would-be hunters. If you ask me, they’re just asking for it sleeping there! Any car could accidentally swerve and hit one of them! Then who would pay those ravens for all their hard work? The whole scam is a bit asinine if you ask me! It must be like having a hotdog stand in an avalanche. It’s not a great idea as far as safety, but, on the other hand, who doesn’t like a nice hotdog…
It seems that deer like to eat the grass by the roads most of all, they stick close by it at all times. They wouldn’t want to actually go back in the woods where it’s peaceful and quiet and no 1-ton iron horses are hurling forward on spheres of rubber towards them. That makes no sense to them I guess. In order of brainlessness deer are only defeated by the brainless… …deer. Yes, they’ve taken up the top 2 places on my list because they seem to really enjoy living life’s adventures.
Perhaps the deer by the road are the real rebels of the deer community. Maybe, just maybe, the deer that hang out there are like the “extreme sports deer” that live life on the edge, not knowing what the next day will bring. They are looking death, or an 18-wheeler’s grill, in the face each day. Or maybe deer are kind of like fish. Fish work as splendid bait for catching other fish. Perchance deer enjoy some nice cannibalism every once in a while, as a delicacy or something. I can just imagine it…
Bartholomew the deer: “Hey Hector, where should we dine this evening?”
Hector the deer: “ Oh I know this great little spot down by the big black patch of asphalt in the forest with a dotted yellow line in the middle of it that has some really “exhausty” tasting grass with a lot of gravel mixed in with it. It has a distinct taste of deer guts and blood.”
Bartholomew: My, that sounds like a splendid little treat if I do say so myself! Let’s get going!”
It’s really shocking to believe that these animals aren’t all extinct yet. There must be about eleventy-billion of them killed each day. Apparently they haven’t used the 100+ years of deer evolution, since the automobile was invented, to know that they shouldn’t eat near these areas.
But let’s not forget the always-brainy gophers that come in third on the list of brainlessness. I use the term “always-brainy” because I don’t think gophers have a short-term memory. They always seem to forget what they have just done and then their brain has to work once again to re-reason, hence, “always-brainy.” These rascally rodents will bolt across the road not even knowing what’s on the other side for the most part. I think that they believe once they get to the other side, there’ll be a 5-gallon drum of popcorn seeds waiting for them. But once they get to that mystical “other side” they realize there isn’t anything over here. But then, again believe that there must be a 5-gallon drum of popcorn seeds waiting for them on the other side of the road. (Repeat these last 3 sentences as many times as necessary to realize what it is like to live as a gopher.)
Next on the list of brainiacs of the animal world are cats. People may say that they are far smarter than dogs because dogs just jump around with their tongues hanging out and chase anything their masters throw, roll over for treats, and roll in their buddy’s turds, but you don’t see many dogs lying with their guts sun-tanning in the road. Cats just don’t get it, and therefore, receive the #4 stupid rating.
Rounding out the top five on the list are skunks. Who really knows what skunks eat. I sure as hell don’t. Possibly they just eat other skunks, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a skunk eat anything. And if they eat each other, that would explain their lovely scents. Think about it – have you ever seen a skunk eat anything? We usually just see them on TV spraying something with their smelly goodness. Boy, maybe they just get a bad rap. In my mind, I suppose I could picture a skunk gnawing on a dead deer, which would explain why they take the #5 spot, but I guess I can also see them eating grass, or a rock, or a hammer even. Who knows! Is there a skunkologist around that could help me out?
All of these animals are very high on the list of animals with no brains. If animals are judged for smartness by their dead presence on Montana highways, then baboons, rhinos, and sharks are the winners. I almost never see them on the roadside…
Take Pride In Your Work
Take Pride In Your Work?
Thought up: 4.17.02 – 1:43pm
Written: 4.19.02 – 1:27am
#3
In the summer of ’99, I worked 8 hours a day installing sprinklers in Montana. I worked through rain, sleet, snow (Snow? In summer? Yup, after all, it is Montana) and even blistering heat to give people the pleasure of not having to put out one of those nasty green hoses attached to a rusty old yellow sprinkler head that spits out four drops of water in random directions (one of which is always the sidewalk no matter where you set the sprinkler). Anyway, I did them a favor by digging/picking through granite on mountainsides, and clay in the valleys to give them green beauty.
I took pride in what I did – I made sure each and every sprinkler head (usually the 1804-F series, 4″ pop-up sprinklers by Rain-bird, for those of you keeping track at home) made a complete 360 degree turn in most yards, and just cutting off a few degrees for those tricky devils in the corners. It made me feel really good when I’d get done with a job and look it over to see that the entire property would be getting healthy and watered because of me.
ne time I started the watering and didn’t notice that the old lady, whom I was building the system for, was coming out to bring me a frosty lemonade for my hard work and dedication to her yard. Well, before I knew it, water was blanketing her backyard with a beautiful mist, and she was the tallest piece of grass… She dropped the lemonade and ran into the house afraid that she set off the sprinklers. I went in and apologized and had myself a fresh glass of lemonade, but that’s beside the point, this story is about taking pride in one’s work.
What I’m getting at is whenever I finish a job, I’d look back and say, “Boy, that sure is a nice looking yard. I’m glad I did such a nice job for them, I bet they’re happy.” But not out loud, of course, especially if I’m the only one around, because that would make me look like I’ve gone mad. In my current job, I drive all over the state by myself and I have a lot of time to think about stuff. I look at other things and wonder if people are really happy with what they’ve accomplished – the buildings, the fence posts, the road I’m driving on, the car ahead of me. I think about the craftsmanship that went into each detail of this car – the windshield, the blinkers, the engine itself. Then I look at the license plate, and I think to myself, “Man, I wonder if that prison guy really cares that he made this car licensed to drive on the road. Without him, this car would have to be impounded, and the driver would have to go to jail probably. Or maybe the driver would just get a different license plate.”
got to thinking again about my sprinkler job, and how I took pride in it, but there is a good chance that the jailbird would never get to see his work, let alone spray an old lady with water and get free lemonade. He should be lucky to get an extra carton of smokes I decided…
Do NOT Try This At Home.
Or at least not when you’re eating breakfast. Seriously, what would you do? I got a good laugh out of it…
So Apparently This Is About Needing Glasses
I’d think there were other things that were wrong with the setup too:
Funniest Knockout Ever
I guess the guy that hit the mat last is the winner?
I’ve Seen Some Useless Talents before…
But this one may take the cake… it’s an entertaining talent for sure…
If I had no arms
I respect being able to do this, and I mean no disrespect, but I wonder how a “#2″ is performed and cleaned up afterwards…
