Archive for November, 2009:
Dance Party Friday
Robot edition of Dance Party Friday. Enjoy
Frolicking 4 Leggers
Frolicking 4 Leggers
Thought up: 5.4.02 – 8:41am
Written: 5.11.02 – 12:13am
#8
Animals sure do love to frolic. It seems that every animal I’ve ever noticed likes to bound about without a care in the world. I guess most of them don’t really have any cares in the world though. Maybe they have to decide to eat this grass or that grass, and sleep on this patch of grass or that one, but that’s about it. I’ve noticed, however, there are a few that obviously don’t enjoy frolicking around.
1.) Cows.
2.) Pigs.
3.) Alligators.
Have you ever seen a cow frolic? Even a little bit? True, you’ve seen the calves romp around here and there – but full-grown cattle? I think not. Never has a pig jumped in the air for joy (except in Charlotte’s Web, but that doesn’t count). And alligators, well, nobody has ever claimed an alligator to be a frolicker. But alligators couldn’t frolic anyway, they have Tyrannosaurus Rex arms and legs, so they’re disabled animals (frolickly challeged is the politically correct term) I’d say. So they don’t count. But I got to thinking why cows and pigs don’t frolic, except when they are younger, and just for a short time. Granted they do get bigger and fatter, but I’m sure there are plenty of fat people that still like to frolic. If I were a larger man, I would frolic to the park, and other such places where frolickers are welcome. But really now, let’s examine this. Why don’t cows and pigs frolic?
Well, in all my research* on this I’ve come up with a few ideas that I’ve narrowed down. Cows and pigs must both have their own language first of all. And, as with any mammal, they have to grow up a little to understand this language. Human babies can’t talk until like 1 or 2 years. I imagine it is the same in the cow and pig world. It’d only seem logical… Anyway, when cows and pigs are born, they jump around here and there, and play with the other animal babies that are around the farm, and they have a good time. But they can’t talk to each other, so they really don’t know what’s going on.
Until one day the calves learn their language, and the piglets theirs. Before you know it, they’re too old for each other, and they just go about their lives, right? I beg to differ! I think that when cattle learn to talk to the other cattle, the older cows start saying to the younger ones, “Quit your damn frolicking! That’s a way to an early death sonny! No cattle farmer wants a skinny cow that frolics all over the place! It’s a waste of his money to keep a skinny cow around, so he’s going to kill you if you keep that crap up! Besides, we’re stuck inside this fence for the most part anyway*, and there is all of this delicious grass everywhere, why waste your time romping and bounding about? We only have 2-4 years at best that we’re going to be on this farm before Farmer Joe hits us in the head with that damn sledgehammer. (I don’t know if they call it a sledgehammer, the cattle term for it might be different like “Moo Mooooooo Moo” loosely translated as “Ouchy Head Smasher”.
Furthermore, I guess that none of these words are the ones that the cattle use either, so maybe using the word sledgehammer is ok, because I don’t speak cow, and I’m sure none of you do either…) So we might as well make the best of it, and eat all his hay and grass and show him who’s the boss, by eating everything he gives us!”
By this time the baby calves realize, “Hey, those older cows must know something, and maybe they do have a point. Maybe I should quit this frolicking.”
At about 5 or 6 months, you don’t see anymore frolicking, just getting fat, and playing right into Farmer Joe’s hand – that crafty Joe. The pigs deal with the situation the same way, but I’m sure it’s in pig language, because who has ever heard of a pig speaking cow language? That’s just preposterous…
* – research not really conducted, but one time I did see a cow.
*- See story Cattle Guard.
New Age Ice Treats
New Age Ice Treats
Thought up: 4.22.02 – 7:23pm
Written: 4.24.02 – 3:17pm
#4
These days, everyone is really into “New Age” diets. All these health nuts are not eating anything that is remotely tasty, but instead they are eating fancy expensive health foods. So why not prey on these poor souls that don’t enjoy a hearty ½-pound of cow with 4 strips of dead pig. Now that’s what I was raised on, and to this day, I still rate at the top of my list. Now I don’t care if they like to eat what they like to eat. I have no problem with that, but I just figure, why not take it a step further?
Why not give them something to really rant and rave about? Modern diets are heavily laden with fruits and vegetables, and I personally don’t care for veggies, and I am sure many people agree. So why don’t we find a way to cash in on it? I think it would be a splendid idea to take all the veggies that you don’t eat, and put them in a big box. Every time you can’t eat a vegetable, save them for however long you want, until the box is full I guess, and I’ll start up a website like Ihateveggiesandwanttodonatethemtoagoodcauseandsoshouldyousoputtheminaboxandsendthemtoandy.com and you can all send me your veggies because I just got this new food blender. I’d take them suckers and whip them up into a creamy batch of yuck. I’d then get some old corndog sticks, (don’t tell the vegetarians, the corndog sticks might still have hotdog on them) and put some sugar in the puree so that they stick to the sticks, and freeze the delightful treats. It doesn’t even matter if you refrigerate your box of bad tasting stuff. Mold is a spore, not a veggie, but I don’t suppose hippies would notice.
could make a killing on these treats! People love that crap nowadays. Well, some people I guess. I can just see the commercial for it…
Unshaven hippy-type man: Ah yes, after a nice day of work at the nudist colony, I always like to take a leisurely jog in the park with my dog. Then I come home to a nice, cold, tasty, BlendoGrode*. BlendoGrode is a delicious mix of random vegetables and possible mold on a used corndog stick. Yum…
*BlendoGrode has not been approved by the FDA. We gave it to some lab rats and their wieners fell off, so you’re on your own. If symptoms persist for longer than 3 years, consult a doctor but don’t mention BlendoGrode. Thank you.
barf doesn’t stay in a bag if it is not in outer space and upside down
He’s A Smooooooooth Operator
He’s a smooth operator
Smooth operator, smooth operator
Smooth operator
Coast to coast, LA to Chicago, western male
Across the north and south, to Key Largo, love for sale
I hope I never become any dumber than I already am…
Apparently they’re not very smart…
Are Americans Really That Stupid? – video powered by Metacafe
WARNING: Large Beasts At Play
Don’t disrupt the beasts when they’re in their natural habitat, or at least move your kids out of range to avoid facing its wrath.
Elephant painting is make believe like elves gremlins and eskimos
This dude is a Bad A**
This would have been a great video for Dance Party Friday, but I can not wait until Friday to bring you the awesomeness of this dude.
Deion is going down, and this lady is gonna take him there…
She’s tough and clearly a professional critic and she also agrees with me that Deion needs to take a hike! What’s up she says, and also that it’s not the 1990′s anymore, it’s 2000. It might even be 2006 or 2007 by now… She disabled embedding the video, but it is here.
